I returned to the market, it didn’t
matter if the flow of the crowd had brought me there or if I was compelled to
return because I felt apologetic. Attempts at boarding up the windows had now
been made because the shattered windows lay on the grimy sidewalk, twinkling
like a thousand diamonds. There was a thick layer of grit in the atmosphere as
the placed had clearly been torched the night before. It was still smoldering
now, though the firefighters had left, as it was going to remain in this state
for at least a couple more hours. It also tainted the crisp winter morning air.
The coverage by the media and police officers faded. Though remnants of yellow
caution tape still remained on the scene.
Had
this been the same supermarket I walked into earlier this week? It didn’t
resemble what I remember. Last time I was here anxiety had taken over, I felt
nervous, I couldn’t possibly stand still. I heard the faint ticking of the old
grandfather clock, it was the only thing I could home in on to keep myself
together. My suit wasn’t the fanciest, though the quickly forming sweat stains
wouldn’t help my appearance either. I am of medium build, brown eyes and have a
tan skin tone.
A series of unfortunate events had led me to
the place I am now. As a recent high school graduate, I had to start looking
for a job. One would think it would be typical for a student to look for a job
and that it won’t be a big deal, but for me it was difficult. I fell out with
my parents not a month before. We disagreed over whether I was going to get to go
to college. The afternoon I had brought up going to college, my father was
sitting out on the patio of our suburban townhouse. We didn’t live in the fancy
part of town, rather closer to the sewage treatment plant. He was out there
drinking some Johnny Walker, shorting his life in my opinion. My father never
really had a proper job, he was a freelance contractor, and not a great one
either. He would spend his time scamming people into believing he would build
them houses or renovate their kitchens and what not, though he always took the
money and vanished, like a puddle on a scorching summer afternoon. Not unlike
how he disappeared from his responsibilities. My mother was a nostalgic, always daydreaming,
never here for my brother nor I. I don’t know what she saw in my father, though
whatever it was, it was now long gone. The only glimmer of light left in my
life is Lucas, my younger brother. My parents don’t truly care for him, I felt
as if they were keeping him more for the tax benefits rather than out of love.
So there I was at the age of 18,
packing what few belongings I had, moving out onto the street. My first
instinct was to try to get a job, though I lacked experience and
qualifications. Without a fixed address, it was difficult to try to land a job.
I spent a month on the street, scourging through trash bins to find unfinished
meals or items of value. I was even forced to pan handle in attempts to get a
meal. It would get cold at night, thus I would try to stay indoors as long as
possible. Most businesses didn’t take too kindly to a homeless person loitering.
The local library was my only sanctuary, though the librarian would
occasionally give me stern glances, she never asked me to leave unless I was
being disruptive. I would take in the heat, perhaps even get in an hour or two
of shut eye, wishing that there would be more hours before the library would
eventually close for the night. I would be jarred the moment I stepped outside,
as the frigid and merciless winds took their turn at demolishing my already
crumbling life. The most dangerous times of my life was the time in between the
library closing and dawn. While the city slept, there were fewer cops outside,
and more precarious characters roamed or even hunted in the dark.
I knew this lifestyle would lead
nowhere, I certainly didn’t have the stamina to continue living like this, and
for the sake of my brother I had to persevere. While I was panhandling outside
a market, an employee came outside and put up a “Help Wanted” sign. This would
probably be the best shot I had at getting my life together, I figured if with
a job, I could provide for myself as well as my younger brother. I knew that I
would have to be presentable in order to get a job. I saved up what I could,
skipping out on the already few and poor quality meals I had each day. Within a
week I was able to save up $25, though that would not even be enough to get the
cheapest formal attire from the thrift store. Luckily the cashier that day was
kind enough to lend me a blazer, as I had gone to the same high school as her.
That was probably the most thoughtful act that someone had done for me in a
long time. I bought a pair of dark pants and a plain full sleeved shirt. With
the little change that remained I went to the nearby internet café bought some
coffee and sat down at one of their public computers, there I was able to
hastily type up a resume from a template that I had found on the web. That
evening, when I returned to the library, the librarian had to do a double take
in order to take in what I was wearing. I could see my resemblance against the
shiny plaque which displayed their logo. I looked like James bond whose suit’s
colour changed from blue to red and finally to yellow as it moved from left to
right. I remember telling myself, “I am now prepared to tackle the real world,
this is my time to finally prove myself”. I went to the washroom to freshen up,
I rubbed soap into skin until my face was flaming, I knew I had to look my best
for tomorrow. I dewed up my hair with water, as if it was a makeshift gel, it
wasn’t going to last till the morning, but with my new found confidence, it
couldn’t hurt.
As the hours ticked by, a familiar
feeling came across me, the same feeling of when you have an important test to
take the next day, you’re anxious to take it, wondering if you’ve prepared
enough though at the same time you want to get it over with, then forget about
it. Tomorrow would be judgment day, or so I thought, I would either get the job
or…, I quickly surpassed any other thoughts. As the clock chimed 10, I was
already on my way out the frost stricken sliding doors. The howling of the
relentless winter gusts didn’t detour me that night. I kept pacing, wondering what
I would say to the interviewer.
A dreadful downpour began later in
later that night, the only place that remained dry were the stairs leading up
the grand cathedral. Against the gray bulging cathedral stones in the dimly lit
and hazy streets it was strenuous to make out any other figure, though another
man was waiting out the rain. He was dressed in a two part track suit, with
three white stripes running down throughout, his spotless white sneakers
suggested that he was doing better than me. As I approached he held out his
cigarette, a gesture of good faith I suppose, though I politely declined. I’d
seen my fair share of poor decision making. I must have come across as a victim
of unrequited love, I was dressed formally but had a long expression across my
face, what else could lead a young man onto the streets at night? Though I did
share one characteristic with a broken hearted lover, desperation. He
introduced himself as Gally, he was curious what I was doing on the street, I
told him that my ungrateful parents had left me in this situation. He began to
discuss his own past, I was able to relate to most of his issues, irresponsible
parents, not having an easy start in life, and at that point it didn’t matter
to me if it was the truth or if it was fabricated, I absorbed all he said. It
wasn’t till the end when he became bitter and furious I woke up to the truth.
He wanted revenge, he wanted to make his family suffer for what they did to him
as well as society for not helping him afterwards. He claimed that dark days
for the city were coming and that many others shared similar views. He waited expectantly
for me to accept his invitation into committing burglary or vandalism. Though I
believed I was better than that, so I just took off, without looking back. For my younger brother’s sake I couldn’t
stoop so low, I needed to be a positive figure in his life, though I would
first need to get him back.
The bright reflection of the rising
sun on the puddles signaled the start of a new day, one that could be filled
with hope. I was waiting at the door of the market, as if I had anything better
to do. I entered promptly as the doors were unlocked. The aroma of the freshly
baked pastries was lingering in the air. How I could imagine working here,
perhaps even sneaking a pastry or two for my brother. I couldn’t be this naïve,
I had to focus on the task at hand. I then immediately sought out an employee
and began to discuss how I would apply for a job. He referred me to the store
manager. I waited patiently outside his office, it was taking him longer than I
thought, over 30 minutes had passed. I began to doubt why I had come here in
the first place, though I suppressed those feelings, as they would not be what
a hiring manager would be looking for. Finally the door creaked open, he
quietly invited me in. He was dressed as one would expect. His shirt had the
green company logo and it was accompanied by a matching tie along with a blazer
overtop. His expression was stern though his body language suggested that he
was uneasy with my presence. Was my suit not up to par? Had last night’s
downpour left my appearance jagged? He began by asking some typical questions,
what are my aspirations? How would those relate to working as a cashier at this
supermarket? Those were possible to answer, though when he gave me an
application form to fill out, I hesitated. I filled out as much as I could,
leaving the spaces where it asked for my parent’s names and my home address
blank. I thanked him for his time and let myself out of the room, avoiding the menacing
stare he must have been giving me at that time. Though it was worse than I
thought, walking down the aisle, I could imagine him thinking “Get out you worthless
hobo, this establishment has no place for you!” I was not going to get the job.
I barged out of the shop. No one
deserves to be judged like this, I was victim of circumstance, it was not my
choice to fend for myself on the streets. There was nothing different I could
have done. I quickly walked down the sidewalk. I dumped my blazer into the side
alley, it was no longer useful, nor did I have a care in the world. There was
no place in particular I was trying to get to, but all that I could think of
was that I needed to get out of here. I continued walking until I arrived upon
the same cathedral, Gally was conveniently waiting there underneath. As if he
knew that I would return. There we discussed his plans. He wanted to attack
society where it hurt most, at the centre of our city, where most of the shops,
offices and services were located in our city. He had already gathered up a crowd of people who
supported his idea. We were all of a similar age. “Recruits form the street”, I
thought to myself. They seemed like a rag tag bunch of volunteers though I
didn’t doubt their loyalty as they gobbled up all Gally had to say.
Gally was keen on getting me on board,
thus our first target was the supermarket. Or had that always been the plan. We
regrouped outside the parking lot across from the market close to 3 a.m., I
choose the time, it was designed to minimize any possible causalities. The
chilly night time air cut deep through my cheap make-shift jacket. Small clouds
of condensed water formed in front of me each time I took a breath. Our goal
was to vandalize the market, we knew their insurance was going to cover it,
though personally, I couldn’t imagine what the manager’s expression would be
once he saw the carnage. We were not a special “black ops” team, so when the
time came, we just barged at the windows with jagged which had fallen off from
the cathedral’s deteriorating walls. I expected the glass to crack and shatter
with ease due to the icy cold air making it brittle, though I was not prepared
for the sound of all the windows shattering.
It reminded me of the time when my
family and I were trying to teach Lucas to drink out of a glass. He had been
used to plastic bottles which were “baby-proof”, though he was a toddler now,
so we gave him a glass one anyway. By mistake we forgot to heat up his milk, we
were too fixated in trying to teach him how to hold the cup. That would come
back to haunt us. Once he took his first sip, his tiny little face cringed up,
mine too, as I knew what would be coming next! Out of surprise he spit out the
cold milk and pushed the glass off the table, it shattered on our tiled dining
room moments later.
I felt the firm grasp of Gally’s
hand on my shoulder. “Come on, it’s time we head on inside”, he said. I was
about to walk in when I noticed a figure outlined by the yellowish glow of the
street lamp, she was holding out something that appeared to resemble a phone.
The sound of the glass shattering could have been heard around a 5 block
radius. In her other arm she was holding up a bag, it had the colours of our
library’s logo on it, blue, red and yellow. Who goes to the library this early
in the morning I thought to myself? Then it struck me, she wasn’t going to the
library to borrow books, she was the librarian. Could it be the same librarian
who provided me warmth during these bitter dark nights? ”Now what have I done” I
thought to myself, I am no different than my father, and certainly have no
right to take care of my younger brother. So I did the only thing I knew how to
do, what I had done countless times before that week, I ran.
Though not for long, my
malnourished body didn’t leave me with the fit body. Had I outrun Gally? Did he
even run? Or had he carried on with vandalizing and looting the market? I am a
failure, I failed myself as well as Lucas. I even threw away borrowed gifts
from friends, that night I had rejected any possible hope I had of forming a
better life. I couldn’t return to the library now neither go to the cathedral. There
was no place in this city left for me. Here I stand, in front of the carnage of
the market, it is similar to how my life has turned out. I reach into my pocket
and reassuringly grasp the bus ticket I had bought this morning. I do not
deserve any more than this.
